Many, if not most of the topics of these videos are concepts and

techniques that are already familiar.

Yet, research has provided guidelines on how to use them in ways that make

them very much more effective from how they are used in every day life.

A good example was the use of praise in another video.

Praising children in the usual way we normally do

is a valuable part of child rearing.

Yet research has shown us a special way

to praise when we want to change child behavior and build long lasting habits.

In today's video, we have another example of a familiar concept.

What we are talking about will not be a surprise.

But how the technique can be used is quite different

from what happens in everyday child rearing.

Today we will be talking about modeling.

The modeling we are talking about has nothing to do

with those models who wear the latest fashions and designer clothes, and

stroll down runways hoping not to fall.

The modeling we are talking about is a way of learning.

Think of it as teaching by example.

We do something and this serves as a model or example for our children.

Modeling you know about very well.

For example, you accidentally swear or say something you wish you had not said and

your child picks it up very fast and repeats it.

Or your child dresses like you or imitates things that you do.

Or even more amusing, if you ever ask your middle school or

pre-adolescent child to mimic you or

to show you how you behave in a situation, she usually can do that pretty well.

This is the impact of modeling,

the child may not have practiced being you very much, but

how you behave, your expressions, and your words have been learned.

These are all part of everyday child,

parent interaction, they can be fun, cute, shocking and embarrassing.

Modeling, in the context of our video,

actually is a tool that can be used to develop child behavior, but

is much more systematic than the accidental modeling in everyday life.

Modeling is interesting as a behavior change tool,

because it is learning by observing and seeing the behavior of others.

In fact, another name for modeling is observational learning.

And much of what we have been talking about in changing behavior

in these videos, requires the child directly practice the behaviors, but

we know that people can learn a lot from observing.

Practice is still important, but the initial learning

can come from watching someone else engage in the behavior.

We know a little bit about how modeling happens.

In the brain, there are cells that are called mirror neurons or

mirror nerve cells.

The term is mirror as in the mirror we look into when we get

dressed in the morning.

These mirror neurons become very active when we observe something.

For example, if I pick up something,

chances are that your mirror neurons are firing as if you were lifting this mug.

One way that we believe that observational learning occurs

is because these mirror neuron cells and whole networks and sets of these cells

are practicing the behavior in some way and they get locked into our brain.

Now again, there's no substitute for actually practicing the behavior, but

modeling can serve a very useful role

because it can teach large chunks of behavior.

So for example, by the time an adolescent learns how to drive,

she has seen this set of behaviors performed many times.

Getting in the car, fastening the seatbelt,

turning on the ignition, and so on.

A whole set of behaviors has been modeled, and by many people.

So the adolescent is already to do these initial behaviors.

And the issue is getting in the car and

getting started, she already has that down.

As another example, if you are teaching your child to hit a tennis ball,

chances are your using modeling to convey how to hold the racket and

how to swing the racket to actually hit the ball.

Both the driving and the tennis ball examples

are good because they also convey that modeling is great but not enough.

Practice is still very important, but the modeling teaches the behaviors and

these are picked up and learned.

Well, this video is not an intellectual exercise about brain cells but

about our practical way of developing behavior more effectively.

As a parent, you model behavior all of the time.

Your child sees you do all sorts of things in everyday life,

from little things like how you use silverware, or brush your hair,

to larger ones such as how you get mad and how you speak to friends and strangers.

We know that the impact of modeling can be large.

For example, we know that children discipline their peers

using the same techniques that their parents used to discipline them.

So, if parents use reprimands or shouts to discipline their children, this

is likely to be how the child handles his peers at school when he is mad at them.

Or if the parents used sarcasm as part of the discipline,

the child is likely to use sarcasm in disapproving the activities of his peers.

And if parents hit or beat the child,

that child is much more likely to hit and beat his peers when he is angry.

So we know from many sources that modeling can be a powerful influence.

But what gets picked up and what you teach are a bit accidental.

Most modeling is tacit, kind of quiet, no one thinks about it very much at home.

So the key question for our behavior change toolkit is whether there is

any way to harness and take advantage of modelling, yes, and

this video is explicitly using modeling to develop behaviors You want in your child.

There are steps to use modeling to develop behavior.

Modeling used in the special way we are discussing has four ingredients.

First, select a characteristic you would like to develop in your child.

Begin by discussing with your spouse or

partner exactly what characteristics you would like in your child.

Let's say we want our child to be kind to others.

I have just selected this arbitrarily.

It is for you as a parent to decide what to select.

But let us work with this, kindness is very general but a fine place to start.

Now we go to step two.

After this general term, list specific instances or

concrete examples of that characteristic.

Write down the general term kindness, now list some examples.

What would you count as examples of kindness?

What would kind acts or gestures look like?

The examples might include helping other children,

sharing things with other children or a sibling,

comforting someone in distress, or letting other people go first in a game.

You get the idea.

We need just a few concrete examples.

These are examples of the behaviors not all possible variations of kindness.

The reason is that, once we teach a few acts of kindness,

it carries over to other areas that we have not specifically train.

Step three, now we need instances of modelling the specific behaviors,

so the child can see them being performed.

Now modelling doesn't have to occur each day or

anything that intense, but modelling instances are needed.

Fortunately, there are many ways in which the specific behaviours can be modelled.

Here are some of them.

As the occasion arises, you could be that model, and that would be great.

So if there's an opportunity to be kind, engage in that behavior and

point this out to your child.

As you do that, say in a matter of fact way to the child,

I just gave this person some money for lunch because they did not have any.

No need to mention what a great person you are.

That could even be a detraction.

We want it to be natural and

as a matter of fact, with the exception that you will say exactly what you did.

That will make the act more salient and more clear.

Step four, praise any instance you see In which your child

actually does one of the behaviors you have modeled as kind.

So here's a practice exercise, something for you to try at home.

Choose one characteristic you would like to see in your child.

Now list some examples of what that would look like, what are some of the behaviors,

sample behaviors?

And in the coming week, try to model one or more of these behaviors or

at least point these out If you see them in the world or on TV show,

or in a book you're reading.

Remember, modelling does not mean that you have to be the model all the time.

Any instance in which you see the behaviors you wish, point that out.

Finally, if you see any instance in which the child shows one of the behaviors

you've been modelling, be sure to praise them, that will make a huge difference.

Now be careful,

that modelling does not undermine what you wish to see in your child.

Parents occasionally model the very behaviors they want to get

rid off in their children.

Here's some common examples.

Parents tell me that they are worried that their teenager

has a problem with drinking alcohol.

And they are not sure what to do.

But they happen to mention in passing that they too drink rather heavily

during the day and have alcohol at dinner and after dinner.

On an occasion in which I was at the beach,

I was walking towards the water when I heard a parent several yards behind me.

She was shouting something to her children who were playing

close to where I was at the time.

The mom was shouting and it was pretty loud.

And it caught my attention, what does she want them to do?

You guessed it, she wanted them to stop shouting while they're playing.

Now if you want your children to stop shouting, that's fine.

But go over to them, speak softly and say please stop shouting while you're playing.

And then when the children eventually get out of the water and come back for

the towel or blanket, now you praise them because they did not shout.

In general, we may want our children to use seat belts,

wear a helmet when they ride a bike, use sunscreen, and so on.

They are not likely to do them, if you do not model them.

We as humans are not perfect, and

cannot be consistent all of the time, and so that's not what's being asked here.

But in relation to today's video, if there are a few

specific characteristics you would like to develop in your child,

be sure not to model the negative behaviors you do not want.

So, we cannot control all the models to which our children are exposed and

that might not even be the goal.

Children need to learn many things from many people and

modeling is a large part of that.

But parents have special status.

Given your role as a parent, the amount of time with your child and

the special relationship, parent modeling can be especially effective

as a way of teaching the behaviors you wish.

Here's an example that's really important to many parents.

Many parents would like their child to confide in them.

To tell them about their lives and their school.

To tell them about their peer relations or what they're worried about.

Parents often even say, you can tell me anything.

But it turns out, children feel that is not true at all.

Children and adolescents actually want to talk about drugs and

sex with their parents, but worry about being judged and

end of up not talking about them with their parents at all.

In child rearing and parenting, we speak of being an askable parent.

An askable parent, that's a parent the child can come to to ask about anything,

and in fact, talk about anything.

Now, modeling can help make that happen.

Early in life, model, you as a parent,

model talking about the details of your day.

If nothing interesting has occurred, talk about something in your past,

a story from your school years.

Model talking about things, including what happened and how you felt about it.

Maybe you were teased at school.

What happened?

What did you do?

How did you fee, how did it work out?

The type of conversation modeled by a parent can go very far

in making the child able to converse with you about similar topics.

Get that going on a daily basis.

You do not need to talk about anything dramatic,

you don't have to say your child, you know, he's not really your father.

No, no, no, just talk about mundane things.

Talk about every day things at maybe the dinner table.

When you and your spouse and partner are there,

talk about what happened during the day.

What were the sources of tensions?

What was bothersome?

What went on?

Give some of the details.

Who did what and how?

If you model this regularly, that will do a lot to get your child to talk about his

or her life, and confide in you more.

So we can explain to the child that she can tell us anything, but

that's not going to do very much.

Modeling and practice can turn that around very, very quickly.

Some questions and concerns emerge when one discusses modeling.

You may have some questions about the procedure as a behavior change technique.

One question that comes up, how effective is modeling in changing my child?

Of course, we cannot guarantee what the modeling will do to change your child.

Children and adults have natural dispositions to do some things more than

others, and

we cannot just change everything we want because we provide modeling opportunities.

Yet, what we are doing is greatly increasing the likelihood

of getting the behaviors you want.

The technique is modeling more systematically than

usual way we do this in everyday life.

Identifying what you want your child to do and

then modeling is much more likely to get the behaviors you wish.

As importantly, if your child ever does one of these behaviors and

you praise it, that will definitely help lock it in.

Modeling plus praise for the behavior is clearly the winning combination.

Another question, how will I know this modeling is working?

Well, in parenting that's really a great question.

We sometimes see immediate effects, so you show your daughter how to swing a baseball

bat and she learns how to hit the ball a little better.

You see it right there, right away.

Or, when you're driving your car, someone in traffic cuts you off and

you swear Now you see your child say that at home the next night

when he's interacting with the sibling.

Do not fear, you don't have to be a perfect parent and

modeling is influenced by how often you show the behavior.

In child rearing and parenting, sometimes the behaviors emerge right away, but

often much later when the child is an adolescent or a young adult.

And some effects emerge when your child eventually has children.

So, parenting is for the long haul so

model behaviors you wish to develop with that in mind.

Some behaviors might be important if they occur now but

a lot of the behaviors might be occur as they take place over the course of life.

Finally, is there a way to tell which of my

many behaviors will be picked up by my child?

Well, we know that the more you model something,

the more likely it would be picked up.

And the more times the child sees someone modeling in the world, other than you,

that too will relate to whether it's picked up.

And if someone important to the child models behavior,

that's more likely to be picked up.

And so, of course, you as a parent are someone very important, but

other people might be important as well.

Maybe a special relative, a peer, a coach, a superhero, or someone special on TV.

Behaviors modeled by other people the child thinks are important are likely to

be picked up.

Now, you can guide behavior by praising specific actions.

And that will help speed up the learning.

But you can control many of the behaviors by what you emphasize,

and what you yourself model.

And then, again, by praising the child.

So, let me summarize by noting something obvious and

something subtle about modeling as a behavior change tool.

The obvious?

You are a model for your child and some of what you do is learned and imitated.

The child may not show or actually imitate the behavior right away, but

it's still learned.

The subtle?

Parents rarely use modeling in a planned way.

This video is about the planned and strategic use of modeling.

The use of modeling in this way begins with two questions for you.

First, what would you like to see in your child?

And second, what can you do to model some of those behaviors?

Observational learning is going to occur but

you can control it more than we normally do in every day life.

Your influence is great but it can be harness to even have more impact and get

to behaviors and general characteristics you would like to see in your children.

Modeling is one more tool for your behavior change tool kit.

We will have more tools in other videos.

Modeling

Everyday Parenting: The ABCs of Child Rearing

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